I have a confession to make. I haven't been blogging here much because I haven't been sewing much. And I haven't been sewing much because I am really unhappy with my weight right now, and it's no fun to spend a bunch of time on something that I don't look good in anyway because I feel like I don't look good in anything right now.
I hate feeling this way. Part of the reason I re-taught myself to sew as an adult was that I had gained a lot of weight several years ago and I wanted to have clothes that were cool and cute even though they were in a larger size. It's hard to find that in stores. But then I lost the weight and moved to a small studio with no room for my sewing set-up and so stopped sewing so much.
I started again more recently for reasons that had nothing to do with my weight. I just wanted to make cool stuff in general, and I like the creative process involved with deciding what to make and then putting it together. I wish that were enough for me, that it didn't also have so much to do with wanting to look a certain way myself. But I guess it's not, because I've gained back a bunch of the weight I lost and suddenly sewing and fashion in general don't have the same magic for me anymore.
So I think I've been procrastinating on sewing in general, and on posting some of my project pics here, because of how insecure I'm feeling about my body lately. I had hoped that sewing would help me work that out. Maybe it can if I can get myself motivated again. I think that the way sewing can help with body image is by giving you a more objective way of thinking about your body. Instead of looking at myself in the mirror at Mervyn's in a dress I might buy and thinking, thighs too big or belly too pudgy, sewing requires me to just objectively think hip size 41" waist 32". Just the numbers, not the judgment. And you can't fudge on those numbers, the way RTW sizing messes with our heads by having something sized as an 8 at one place and something the exact same size marked as a 12 someplace else. If my waist is a 32, I've gotta sew the dress to fit that, no matter what, because I'm not gonna be able to fit into it if I sew for the waist I wish I had instead. So, objectivity, and truth, without judgment. Well, at least until I try it on at the end.
Does that make sense?
So anyhow it's something I'm struggling with right now, hence the spotty posting and ambivalence about finishing projects. Maybe writing about it here and now will light a fire under me and get me going again in a more positive direction.
Another Grainline Farrow
3 weeks ago